Introduction

Hi! My name is Megan, or B.T.A. (big tit asian), and a couple years ago my pictures were taken without my permission and posted on the NSFW Reddit channels r/jizzedtothis, r/collegesluts, and r/realasians. The pictures were captioned “Size of melons”, “Nice melons”, “This big tit asian lets cum to this slut”, “Her tits make me explode”, “Look at those jugs”, and “Would love to be between those”. It was a male friend from high school who told me about my pictures. Apparently, he heard about it from his cis-het-male friend group. I felt violated, fetishized, scared, used, disgusted, and ashamed. My male “friend” did not report the post, nor did he have any words of comfort, he said “Lol I’m not gonna lie there’s hella baddies on this page” and “Should have made ur insta private man, idk how to help you”. MEN. Greasy-horny-incel-reddit-4chan type mEN stripped me of my humanity and put me in a non-consensual sexual context, they internet raped me. And the MEN who were supposed to be my allies turned a blind eye. There was nothing I could do. There was no compensation. I felt so powerless and exposed, like I was STRAPPED DOWN SHIBARI STYLE and gagged with a sex toy for the VOYEURISTIC PLEASURE OF INTERNET MEN. I couldn’t even seek support from friends or family without being slut shamed. What’s even more infuriating is that this is not an isolated incident. I have been objectified under a thousand other contexts--and so has every other woman alive. It is a UNIVERSAL experience for women. WE LIVE IN A PATRIARCHY. WE LIVE AS OBJECTS OF DESIRE. I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. IT GIVES ME ANXIETY. 

           

FUCk I was angry lol I hated feeling silenced. I didn’t know how to process it all. I still don’t. It made me feel like the only way I could take control of my sexual autonomy was to be overtly sexual and/or do sex work. Because then, at least I was sexual on my own terms. At least I would be compensated. I’m interested in the exchange of sex for money and power. I’m interested in the way the patriarchy affects young girls and how we think about sex. I’m interested in the way we empower women. I’m interested in feminism, who defines it, how it's defined, and why it's defined that way. I’m interested in the internet’s role in all of the above. I am using this project to SPEAK BACK TO THE PATRIARCHY. I am using this project to BE LOUD. This project will be performed on my personal instagram @yaomegan, utilizing this channel allows me to communicate and interact directly to the internet men who have wronged me, COERCIVELY placing them under the spotlight ALONGSIDE ME.

Anyway, if you wanna follow my journey, scroll through the following blog entries, while listening to the lil mixtape I made for you (on the right), and watch me perform my dares on my ig @yaomegan on the highlight "is typing... (https://www.instagram.com/s/aGlnaGxpZ2h0OjE3OTQxMDMwMDAwNDc1MTYy?story_media_id=2550471118792504155&igshid=ysq19kwg5cet__;!!LIr3w8kk_Xxm!8YSkIypSIhacijs303PEc9boRIuthhoIpVgT7F3wxHrRwjsmoz1GzW9roakDdhI$)"

Day #1 Challenge

"Challenge: you tell me why you're a feminist and I'll do your dare on my ig story..."

Today, I scheduled and prepped all my challenge posts for the coming weeks. I decided that they would all be shot in my bathroom (most flattering lighting), with ig's "Y2k Webcam" filter (by @aznprydeonline), and be posted with Aqua's "Barbie Girl" playing in the back. I take a lot of stylistic inspiration from the 2000's because those were my formative years as a young girl. I LOVED the song "Barbie Girl" growing up. The hyperfeminine European dance-pop vibes really did it for me. Took me a couple of years to understand the lyrics behind the bouncy catchy tune.

"You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere"

''Dress me up, make it tight, I'm your dolly"

"You can touch, You can play, If you say, "I'm always yours" (ooh, oh)"

"Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please, I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees"

Wikipedia further informs me that "In December 2000, Mattel, the manufacturer of the Barbie doll, sued MCA Records, Aqua's record label. Mattel claimed that 'Barbie Girl' violated their trademark and turned her into a sex object, referring to her as a 'Blonde Bimbo'." Anyways, this song was a good fit here.

Day #1 Response

Doing that first post was really anxiety-inducing. Despite thoroughly planning, I am unsure. The point of this project is to make a statement about feminism x internet x sex work x voyeurism x identity x autonomy. But, no one knows this a performance piece. But, it is one. Is it one? It has to be one. Because I am an artist and I put a lot of thought and introspective reflection into this. Does that legitimize it? Or am I just creating more content in accordance to the demands of the patriarchy? I'm not, because I know myself that I am not. Not that there is any problem with doing so... that's just not the point of what I'm doing currently.

I made sure to comb through my followers for family members. I made sure none of them had access to my story posts for the next couple of weeks. They would not understand. 

Doing these dares made me feel extremely vulnerable. In a way I was giving up my autonomy. But in a way I still had control.

 

Some of the responses were really funny. So I turned them into memes.

Day #1 Dares

Day #2 Challenge

"Challenge: you tell me how to fix the gender wage gap and I'll do your dare on ig..."

A key aspect of this project is about creating rhetoric and discourse around feminist ideas and issues. Talking about these issues with men in real life is hard. It's so hard that sometimes I cant even get my bro, dad, or guy friends to see eye to eye with me. Gaslighting gets in the way. And theres no incentive for them to engage in a meaningful way. So, creating rhetoric under the context of these posts (anonymity of internet, sexual favors, fun, sexy, public account) could open up a really different dialogue.

I wrote an Op-Ed last year about the gender wage gap. My (male) writing professor really loved it. It was titled "Unethical Problem Solving for an Issue of Ethics: The Gender Pay Gap". The thesis read, "To effectively fight the gender wage gap, we need a new, more practical strategy. We must offer corporations the promise of something they want more than anything else: profit". I went on to write about how data has shown that more females on executive boards lead to better company success, thus higher revenue. I used the racist Kodak case study to prove my point (the NYTimes wrote an article about it: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/25/lens/sarah-lewis-racial-bias-photography.html). Basically what happened was that during the 1960's Kodak's film technology created beautiful color balanced pictures of white folks and shitty prints of black folks that distorted their skin color. This was clearly an issue, but Kodak didn't change a thing until CHOCOLATE COMPANIES AND FURNITURE COMPANIES STARTED COMPLAINING ABOUT THE TONES OF BROWN IN THEIR ADVERTISEMENTS. The lesson to learn is that shit does not change unless there is $$$ incentive. No one gives a fuck about anyone else. Although this is a negative, pessimistic approach, it is a realistic one.

Anyway, it'll be interesting to see what men think about this...

Day #2 Response

What's interesting about these responses is that I've had a few men tell me that the gender wage gap doesn't exist. They go into the specifics of how the data collected debunk the gender wage gap and that no man is automatically getting paid more for the exact same job as women are. Okay, that might be true. But, there is a gap regardless. Women have to deal with so much more in the workplace. Discrimination based on parental status, ALL the unfair shit that pregnant working women deal with, sexual harassment, microaggressions, less representation in the boardroom/executive positions... the list goes on... and this all adds up to a gap. So even if it were true that the gender wage gap is a myth, there is a gap regardless. 

This reminds me of a conversation I've had on many different dates I've been on. "Hey if you want equality you can pay for your own meal and I don't need to open the door for you and I can hit women because equality!!". Equality is not so simple. Wouldn't it be convenient to just forget about the social circumstance of the patriarchy and continue to act as though we live in a vacuum. Forget all the historical violence, oppression, discrimination, and legislation against women that continue to affect our lives everyday. It's like a shit stain that won't go away bruv. Acknowledge the shit stain.

Day #2 Dares

 

Day #3 Challenge

"Challenge: you tell me why you're pro-life or pro-choice and I'll do your dare"

After posting 5 performance dares I am getting tired. Actually doing the dares is part of my project that explores web cam sex work. It is exhausting. I recently heard about the phrase "vulnerability hangover". The term was coined by Brené Brown in her TED Talk “The Power of Vulnerability,”. It's described as a gut-wrenching feeling that pops up the moment we decide to get real about who we are, what we want, and how we express it. In an article, Andria Park describes the feeling as "something gnawing deep inside the pit of your stomach, followed up by immediate regret, topped with an overwhelming sense of panic".

In these dares, I am often unclothed, a state of physical vulnerability. Also, I am revealing the part of my identity that is curious about sex and the internet, which friends/acquaintances/colleagues are aware of. Is this safe? Do any of these people know where I live? Also, will this affect whether I can get a job? Are these images going to be screenshotted and posted on a another NSFW reddit channel? It's scary. But in a special way, it's also been therapeutic.

Day #3 Response

So I ended up doing a really embarrassing dare in response to "Pro choice. There are times when it's needed. My dear is twerk." I cannot twerk. Although my digital skin is supposed be a sexy cam girl, my irl skin as an awkward person can't help showing its face. After posting that I got dms saying "it's like im watching the chicken dance" and "This is what dogs do when theyre about to go on a walk" LOL. I also lost a few followers. Which brings into question the idea of the visual economy and attention economy. 

Although using my personal ig platform for the project was at first a logistic move (a project addressing male gaze makes sense to do on a space that hosts 83.7% male viewers). I think it has become much more than that. 

Day #3 Dares

 

Day #4 Challenge

"Challenge: you tell me opinion on sex work and I'll do your dare on ig story..."

I think sex work is an important thing to analyze and think about. On a primal level, organisms need food, shelter, and sex/reproduction. It is a biological foundation. Humans have taken it and made it really complex and dark. Sex work, sex work via the internet (pornography, cam girling), sexual assault, the sex trade... Taking a deeper look at these things tell us a lot about humanity. It is about power.

I wrote a couple papers on the economics of the pornography industry and interviewed a rising porn star Lulu Chu. I've got a lot of thoughts on all this but lets see what men (the main consumers, producers [producer as in much of the sex industry is dominated by male leadership]) have to say i guess.

Day #4 Response

 LOL im tired. I don't wanna read these anymore. I gotta go to Trader Joe's to buy a banana for my next dare performance. brb.

Day #4 Dares

 

Day #5 Challenge

"Challenge: you tell me how to end violence against women & I'll do your dare..."

This topic has been on my mind for a long time, but especially after the Atlanta shooting in that killed 6 Asian women. It is dehumanizing. And ultimately a culmination of years and years of sinophobia and fetishization of Asian Women. Race is an important piece of this project... 

Day #5 Response

So I don't really wanna do these anymore. It's the 5th post and I've had enough. Being a cam girl is hard work. I am blessed that this is merely an art project and I have the autonomy to choose when to stop. Autonomy. Autonomy. POWER.